When I’m closer to me I am further from you,
You were kosher to me is further than true,
I though you were my friend until death did us apart,
But the corners we hit on our bends added stress in the dark,
I got closer to you and had less of my heart,
A symphony of chaos and from very the start,
A soliloquy from way off and the end scary dark,
You warmed a world that was so cold at times,
But you kept me from me in the most wholesome of chimes,
I was doomed without out you dead with you,
So soon I’ve realized I missed out on nothing having me instead of you.
-My sweet bottle of booze
I never set out to become the best partygoer I could be; it just ended up that way. I had unknowingly sidetracked and self-sabotaged myself for the past decade with my relationship with alcohol. My drunken escapades took me places. It took me all around the world to various dive bar stools making small talk with guys that all said A.A doesn’t work. Prague, Australia, Spain, Italy, Central America are a few places I explored with nearly doubled vision. Many of these places were likely places I had no business being at all. I cannot say that choosing to break up with the love of my life, (alcohol) has been an easy road. I will say that it has proven to be both the most difficult and most rewarding decision I have ever made. In two days I will have successfully stayed sober for a year. One thing I can say is that walking the path of life with clarity has allowed me to have choice again. This choice thing is a bit of a curse without my good old trusty bottle for the nerves. Overthink much? I do. ALL the time! While alcohol was giving me that temporary rush and bliss, it was stealing my ability to choose. I had lost the ability to perceive how alcohol had manifested itself into my every thought and action. All of my choices in life were already pre-checked as my days, nights, trips and life revolved around the party. Perception really is a nifty thing. I have always seen value in being able to look at a problem from as many angles as possible when looking for solutions. My issue regarding alcohol was that I couldn’t ever get far enough out of the perspective of a drunken stupor to see that there’s more to life than being a lush. I’d be lying if I told you all that my sobriety has brought me to where I want to be in my life. Sobriety has given me the opportunity to become a better version of myself and allow myself the opportunity to find my true purpose while I am here on earth. It has also allowed me to look at myself in an honest light, take care of my health, and given me the ability to restore confidence in myself. I am beyond grateful that I have been blessed with a loving family and friends that have been priceless to my recovery. I still have a lot of work to do and discomfort to push through but with clarity comes clarity. Bless!
History is written by those who have won,
No mystery in it, a bow will lose to a gun,
Dropping books and love will bring us the truth,
Stopping crooks and drugs until we jail and string out our youth,
The systems in place keep us losing the race,
Just victims and hate steep so were moving to space,
See I done this before and I’ll do it again,
Getting trapped in my ego and losing to win,
Here and now we have all that we need,
Weird to allow the bad to crawl into the lead,
My heart pumps love no matter the pain I feel,
I start to jump up scattered with my hand on the wheel,
I’ve been corrupted with lies my whole life and it hurts,
Time to disrupt this and try to maktrix work.
Since getting sober a little over 8 months ago I realize that one of the hardest things has been getting comfortable in my own skin again. I have been using substances since I was 15 on a regular basis so I had 14 years of training my brain and emotions with outside help to simmer down. One of the most difficult parts of this transition into a meaningful life has been to attempt to balance out the emotional roller coaster and live without causing wreckage when I am on the downslide. A major reason why I have used substances for so many years was to avoid discomfort. Subconsciously I would trick myself into self-medicating any time felt pain or discomfort. Sobriety has given me a foundation for the ability to grow from emotional incompetence that I have held down with the bottle for so many years. I wish I could say that I put down the bottle and the great chapter of my life began. Unfortunately the most wreckage came from me tearing down anything I got close to when I was living out in this world without my elixir alcohol. After being in the rooms of A.A. for the past 8 months I have gained so many bits and pieces of knowledge and tools to deal with my emotional drunkenness. What a blessing. Moving forward and giving myself a chance for spiritual growth, I am now fully aware that the best is yet to come. Bless.
A soul that’s now dark with a golden heart,
Stuck in a place in time where no space is mine,
Fragments of me is all that I see,
The universe has its ways of getting me lost in its maze,
Life is a game and there are ways to play,
But strife all the same as in a haze I lay,
Am I just a soul who is lost at sea,
Or am I here already and lost in my thoughts not free.
Life isn’t free, it costs to breath,
My pasts catching up and I’m lost at sea,
Visionless echoes of my past bounce in my head,
Indigenous geckos in the grass and its black I’m dread,
I was running from myself and losing the race,
Numbing what I felt and boozing my face,
Now unchartered sober waters I move cautious and slow,
Wow the waves are much larger I feel nauseous and low,
Will I find an Island with smiles and hugs?
Or still my mind, die early with viles and drugs?
Balance is all and I feel I have none,
My true talents stalled but now I am young,
The storm is dark, cruel and unforgiving,
Transform and spark or through this storm I’m not living.
When my number is called,
Can I say I have done it all?
Can I say truthfully that I have helped others?
Can I escape the lunacy and be there for my mother?
Will I rise above my fears?
Will my ego demise before 30 years?
Will I find myself and show others the way?
Can my words be kind felt and hear what the elders say?
Will I live from the heart and spread love on earth?
Can I overcome these challenges when inside I hurt?
To the questions above I hope I say yes,
For I am loved, love lots and for that I stay blessed.