How many times can I fight with me,
I know living for myself is no way to be,
But I thought of me so much I can no longer see,
I have blinded myself with a false reality,
All that is left is hidden,
And being real with reality is strictly forbidden,
The pain of my drunken existence is unbearably heavy,
I must put down the bottle or the devil will certainly get me.
Sailing the ocean is a captain and crew,
The captain takes three and and the leaves his men two,
If divided up evenly there is plenty of food,
The Captain thinks why should it bother the crew to have less,
He murmurs “it is true I have three but I must endure all the stress”,
The twenty are starving but together they smile with joy,
While the one man with three self-destructs and destroys,
The folks with the least are the folks with the most,
And the Captain with three feels rancid and gross,
With my three eyes it is so easy to see,
That the ones with the most, are the ones with the least.
Yesterday marked 7 month’s on my journey of leading a clean and sober life. While not much has changed externally I spent the day reflecting on the shift of my consciousness that I have experienced. While outside looking in my life hasn’t changed a whole bunch but I can honestly say the biggest changes have been internal. I no longer hate myself in the morning for continuing to allow my so-called intellect to kill my body and spirit. I do not have that feeling like I just dropped from the top of a roller coaster, following feelings of regret, anxiety, and deep seeded depression. In fact, I now feel as though my life is a roller coaster ride that I am custom designing to fit my innermost self’s needs and wants. 7 months ago any time I would feel discomfort or vulnerable I would reach for a mind-altering substance. That would transpire to the safety bar of the roller coaster closing and me going for another gut wrenching ride that I would not have any control over, let alone the ability to get off until the ride stopped and the safety bar re-opened. That in and of itself is an such amazing blessing that I never would have known had I not embraced the vulnerability and rawness of early sobriety. My ego is no longer the primary driving force of my existence. Slowly but surly, I have been able to re-connect with my heart and spirit and allow those parts of me to steer my ship. It is mind-boggling how much energy and mental capacity that have been freed up when I am not feeding my ego all day in order maliciously inflate a hot air balloon of false pretenses. What a relief it is! I so very thankful for every person in my life and the mentors in A.A. that have loved me, and helped guide me to where I am today. A special shout out to my dad, mom and sponsor, love you all! I just hope that every addict stuck on the roller coaster ride from hell can hop off long enough to realize that the false sense of relief that comes with the bottle is a big sham. Thanks world! Much Love!
-Patrick
Looking in the mirror, I don’t like the reflection,
Another dehydrated, restless night, and more self-deception,
Why am I running from reality and Why must my feelings be buried?
Seeing no way out this downward spiral is heartbreakingly scary,
Hiding me from myself, I know this isn’t living,
Back in another smoke filled bar with my shovel im digging,
Deep within I know I must break up this madness,
But it seems to my next drink I am always a magnet,
Making small talk with a stranger to avoid my own anger,
Living a lie that hurts so deep and always in fear,
Once again letting myself down as I order another beer,
Since months later cycle is now broken,
The dark memories fade and my heart begins to open,
The anger, disgust, and helplessness now dwindles,
And with yours truly I now happily rekindle.
-BLESS
My early recovery days have been dedicated to finding eternal peace and coming home to myself. I had spent so many years detached and self-sabotaging listening to my inner compass and heart is much like visiting a foreign country. During this process of self-love and feeling my feelings I have picked up a few great tools to help me stay focused. I have learned that I must not lose focus on the importance of moving forward in my recovery and decision to live from my heart. Often times I find my inner-critic is the first voice I hear in my head upon wakening. “I am not good enough. I have ruined my life. I am a bad seed. I am useless. What is the point of recovery when I am not working or doing anything with my life anyway? Why keep living in discomfort when I know how to maintain when I have my liquid elixir?” My inner critic is crafty and at times it is very difficult not to concede to and give up on myself as I have for so many years. When those thoughts arise I know that I break into my tool kit that I have learned in the past few months to stop my negative spiral of self-destructive thinking in its tracks. One of the most crucial tools I have picked up in early recovery to quiet that voice has been mediation. I often find that a guided mediation on can quickly fade away the chatter in my head that causes me to self-destruct. Guided meditations have been more effective for me as it helps me get out of my own head and focus on what the person guiding the mediation is saying. There is a free app, https://insighttimer.com/ that I use daily and has been a huge asset to my recovery. Another tool that helps me get out of negative thinking is burning sage, Palo Santo, copal, or any kind of natural inscents. Almost instantly after lighting these gifts from mother nature my mind seems to be transported to a much more gentle loving space. Getting out into nature and taking a walk on the beach has also been a great resource for calming my racing mind down as well. After feeling so disconnected from humanity and the earth as a whole I have found that walking barefoot on a beach can literally anchor me back to earth. One of the best resources that A.A. has blessed me with has been a huge group of people that genuinely care about my well-being and visa versa. I have found A.A. to truly be a We program and having a group of people to call and think about other than myself has been a huge benefit in my recovery as well. I am very blessed to have the support of love of others in this very vulnerable time of my life. While I have gained so much wisdom and courage from the A.A. program, I believe it is best for each individual on this path to try A.A. for themselves and see if it is good fit. Choosing to go against the grain and embrace my discomfort in this transition in my journey of life has been the most fulfilling decision I have made on my 29 years on this earth. I write this blog in hopes that others can relate and see that there are many ways to get to the top of the mountain of sobriety. Please comment and add any tools that may help others on their path to recovery! Sending love and good vibes from the north coast of California! Bless!
As my higher self is emerging and growing stronger daily, the inner turmoil of my old reckless self still surfaces. I have quickly found that just putting down the bottle has only temporarily lifted the dark blanket of self-destruction that I had so often thrown over my being. It took many years of training myself to give up and quit on myself when I felt vulnerable. Accepting and being compassionate towards my own vulnerability is critical to my wellness. After years of desperately evading any feeling of vulnerability, I have decided to greet and feed my vulnerability with love. I used to subscribe to the mindset that being vulnerable would be a fast track ticket to suffering but I have come to see that it is quite the opposite. Any sort of discomfort in my life used to swiftly lead me to drown it out with alcohol and play big shot at a small bar. In the process of actively sifting out my old habits and ways of thinking in early sobriety, I often find my old self screeching like nails on the chalk board to come back out. When my old self wants to act out my intention is not to judge or feed him, just acknowledge him. Patience has been a totally new frontier in my life but it certainly is a staple on my road to recovery. I must be patient and compassionate with myself during this transitional period of my life as it took many years to accumulate these mal traits and way of thinking. From this day forward I will compassionately water the seeds of love for myself and for the universe. Bless!
Today marks a week over 6 months living sober. I am 29 years of age and have struggled with alcohol since my very first sip. For an alcoholic like myself it seems as though every cell in my body is being pulled towards the next drink in some sort of magnetic energy. The bottle in some way, shape or form, had stolen my entire existence. My alcoholism had hijacked my being in every aspect. Every activity I took part in drinking was threaded into the equation. My disease is so powerful that it manifested itself into my very logic and thought process without my knowledge. While writing this I cannot help but think of the quote “the devils best trick was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” It now takes a lot of energy to resist succumbing to that instant gratification and relief that comes with taking that first drink. I know that if I were to fall victim to my own insanity and alcoholism that first drink is essentially throwing away my spiritual wellness, consciousness, and ability to lead a productive, loving life. Since I have experienced the blessing of leading a sober life, it has recently surfaced that I suffer from depression. I believe myself, like many other addicts use substances to self medicate from other issues such as depression. The lens, which I view the world from, becomes caked with, a layer of black film in which everything I encounter looks mal. This new-found clarity that has come with sobriety and exploring my spiritual path has brought me joy that I have never experienced in my life. The sad reality that I have come to realize is, with clarity, comes clarity. I must stop fighting a war against myself and embrace this harsh reality of the depression blanket covering my existence. Depression, much like pain is only temporary. It is only when I resist and run from my true feelings that I create suffering in my life. I write this hoping to reach anyone who is struggling with depression in early sobriety. My journey in early sobriety life has been very dark as of late, but even the darkest clouds will pass and the light will certainly shine back into my life. Bless!
