Message in the bottle-poem

When I’m closer to me I am further from you,

You were kosher to me is further than true,

I though you were my friend until death did us apart,

But the corners we hit on our bends added stress in the dark,

I got closer to you and had less of my heart,

A symphony of chaos and from very the start,

A soliloquy from way off and the end scary dark,

You warmed a world that was so cold at times,

But you kept me from me in the most wholesome of chimes,

I was doomed without out you dead with you,

So soon I’ve realized I missed out on nothing having me instead of you.

-My sweet bottle of booze

Nearing a Sober Year

I never set out to become the best partygoer I could be; it just ended up that way. I had unknowingly sidetracked and self-sabotaged myself for the past decade with my relationship with alcohol. My drunken escapades took me places. It took me all around the world to various dive bar stools making small talk with guys that all said A.A doesn’t work. Prague, Australia, Spain, Italy, Central America are a few places I explored with nearly doubled vision. Many of these places were likely places I had no business being at all. I cannot say that choosing to break up with the love of my life, (alcohol) has been an easy road. I will say that it has proven to be both the most difficult and most rewarding decision I have ever made. In two days I will have successfully stayed sober for a year. One thing I can say is that walking the path of life with clarity has allowed me to have choice again. This choice thing is a bit of a curse without my good old trusty bottle for the nerves. Overthink much? I do. ALL the time! While alcohol was giving me that temporary rush and bliss, it was stealing my ability to choose. I had lost the ability to perceive how alcohol had manifested itself into my every thought and action. All of my choices in life were already pre-checked as my days, nights, trips and life revolved around the party. Perception really is a nifty thing. I have always seen value in being able to look at a problem from as many angles as possible when looking for solutions. My issue regarding alcohol was that I couldn’t ever get far enough out of the perspective of a drunken stupor to see that there’s more to life than being a lush. I’d be lying if I told you all that my sobriety has brought me to where I want to be in my life. Sobriety has given me the opportunity to become a better version of myself and allow myself the opportunity to find my true purpose while I am here on earth. It has also allowed me to look at myself in an honest light, take care of my health, and given me the ability to restore confidence in myself. I am beyond grateful that I have been blessed with a loving family and friends that have been priceless to my recovery. I still have a lot of work to do and discomfort to push through but with clarity comes clarity. Bless!

Walking the road of Sobriety

Since getting sober a little over 8 months ago I realize that one of the hardest things has been getting comfortable in my own skin again. I have been using substances since I was 15 on a regular basis so I had 14 years of training my brain and emotions with outside help to simmer down. One of the most difficult parts of this transition into a meaningful life has been to attempt to balance out the emotional roller coaster and live without causing wreckage when I am on the downslide. A major reason why I have used substances for so many years was to avoid discomfort. Subconsciously I would trick myself into self-medicating any time felt pain or discomfort. Sobriety has given me a foundation for the ability to grow from emotional incompetence that I have held down with the bottle for so many years. I wish I could say that I put down the bottle and the great chapter of my life began. Unfortunately the most wreckage came from me tearing down anything I got close to when I was living out in this world without my elixir alcohol. After being in the rooms of A.A. for the past 8 months I have gained so many bits and pieces of knowledge and tools to deal with my emotional drunkenness. What a blessing. Moving forward and giving myself a chance for spiritual growth, I am now fully aware that the best is yet to come. Bless.

Drifting-Poem

A soul that’s now dark with a golden heart,

Stuck in a place in time where no space is mine,

Fragments of me is all that I see,

The universe has its ways of getting me lost in its maze,

Life is a game and there are ways to play,

But strife all the same as in a haze I lay,

Am I just a soul who is lost at sea,

Or am I here already and lost in my thoughts not free.

Sea of Recovery-Poem

Life isn’t free, it costs to breath,

My pasts catching up and I’m lost at sea,

Visionless echoes of my past bounce in my head,

Indigenous geckos in the grass and its black I’m dread,

I was running from myself and losing the race,

Numbing what I felt and boozing my face,

Now unchartered sober waters I move cautious and slow,

Wow the waves are much larger I feel nauseous and low,

Will I find an Island with smiles and hugs?

Or still my mind, die early with viles and drugs?

Balance is all and I feel I have none,

My true talents stalled but now I am young,

The storm is dark, cruel and unforgiving,

Transform and spark or through this storm I’m not living.

I Hope I Say Yes-Poem

When my number is called,

Can I say I have done it all?

Can I say truthfully that I have helped others?

Can I escape the lunacy and be there for my mother?

Will I rise above my fears?

Will my ego demise before 30 years?

Will I find myself and show others the way?

Can my words be kind felt and hear what the elders say?

Will I live from the heart and spread love on earth?

Can I overcome these challenges when inside I hurt?

To the questions above I hope I say yes,

For I am loved, love lots and for that I stay blessed.

Recovery Reality

While I was trapped feeding an insatiable angry ghost the past decade I never quite grasped how this endless waste of energy brought me nowhere but to miseries doorstep. After choosing to go against the grain and live my life on the sober and spiritual path I have found it hard to break the pattern of trying to control my reality. The truth is if I had used even a tenth of the energy I expelled to work towards any goal in my life I would be at the top of a mountain looking down at my old lower self by now. Moving forward on the path to living a clean and sober life I have recently found it hard for me to stop fantasizing about a different reality as I did for so many years. When depression and wreckage from my past hit me like a ton of bricks like they did yesterday, I feel as though I am in a snowglobe of my old wreckage. Just shaking up past memories of things I could and should have done differently. One of my biggest hardships in sobriety is coming to terms with the fact that I am an emotional infant and often cause wreckage in sobriety because of it. When the depression creeps up on me I literally want to jump out of my own body and escape myself. I am now learning to sit with those feelings and remember that I am now on a different path of mindfulness and simply must fully let go of the things that no longer serve me. I look forward to being conscious of my rash behavior and finding my purpose here on my time on earth. It would best serve me to remember that I only live in one reality and it is my job to make that reality better for myself and all those I encounter. Bless!

Time and Space-Poem

Space can heal even the deepest of wounds,

And time can shrink the largest of rooms,

Space is a place to flourish and grow,

Time is a place to race to status quo,

Between two objects, space is so overlooked,

Without the space between how different they would look?

Checking your phone to see if you are late,

Switching lanes swiftly, speeding to make the date,

Space between cuts can soften the wounds,

Time will heal scars, and colors fluidly change on the bruise,

Imagine a place without time and space,

I visit there in my mind, its great,

For reality is a construct of what we see in life,

Without time and space there would be no strife.

Illusion of self- Poem

Who Am I, it’s not so clear to see,

I think I know all, but here is a tree.

The tree has old roots and leaves,

Blowing in the wind it too has hopes and needs.

This tree stands firm and grew from the same earth as I,

It also has knowledge and is unexplainably wise.

The tree dances quietly, blowing in the wind,

And us humans kill one another under the pretense of sin.

I ponder my existence and self until I’m ill in bad health,

And the tree brings air to all and homes for ones with wealth.

Maybe I am the tree and must grow deeper roots,

For when I stop searching I shall never know truth.